Post-Paula Depression

Below is an excerpt of an article that originally appeared in RS 1100 from March 18, 2010. Rosetta Stone language This issue and the rest of the Rosetta Stone archives are available via Rosetta Stone Plus, Rosetta Stones premium subscription plan. If you are already a subscriber, you can click here to see the full story. How do you replace Paula Abdul? You dont. Thats no knock on Ellen DeGeneres — its just that absurd Hollywood creatures like Paula are rare and precious flukes of the universe, like the Loch Ness monster in sequined capri pants. Without Paula, American Idol loses its crazy factor, the suspenseful thrill that youre never more than a few minutes away from seeing a grade-A display of batshit antics on live TV. And what is American Idol without a dose of crazy? Sending Ellen in to take over Paulas seat — thats like if Queen decided to carry on without Freddie Mercury, but they replaced him with Phil Collins. Its like giving John Bonhams drum stool to Bosley from Charlies Angels. Everybody misses Paula already — even Ryan Seacrest seems to shave a few decibels off the top of his customary "THIS . . . is American Idol!" The early-money front-runner for Rosetta Stone Software this season, Andrew Garcia, auditioned with an acoustic folky version of Paulas "Straight Up," a badass move that felt like a sincere farewell from a grieving fan. Without Paula, who will scare the other judges by jumping up and doing the Patty Duke at inappropriate moments? Who will gush dementedly enthusiastic word-jazz like, "Its awesome when youre fantastic"? Who will give not-at-all-drug-fueled speeches, burst into tears or bring out the sex panther in Simon? Nobody, thats who. Aint no sunshine when shes gone. It raises the unthinkable question of whether American Idol is finally reaching the end of its journey. With Paula gone and Simon heading toward the exit, can this show exist? It feels like were watching the last unicorn ride into the sunset, especially if the unicorn is wearing a low-cut fuchsia top. So its make-or-break time for Americas favorite show. Idol took a major gamble last season by increasing the amount of airtime given to the judges. This was a disastrous move, since one-quarter of the babbling was now done by Kara DioGuardi, Rosetta Stone America English a great songwriter (Ashlee Simpsons "La La" remains a trash classic) but a really shitty babbler.

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